We were sitting in a booth at The Arcade creating another Pie in the Sky delight and laughing. We were working on that crazy book idea I had, you know, the one I was taking notes on the blue sky notepad. It must have been summer because it was warm and I remember thinking that laughter felt strange. It was the first day that I remember not going home and crying and drinking until I just fell asleep so it must have been the next warm season after Big Daddy died. Toxic & I were living in Cooper-Young and Cube Hell had just moved. I looked around the room and realized it must have been an amalgam of nights because Rockabilly was flirting with the girl behind the counter, JMM was creating the mythology of his future stardom and a few booths over was that artist and his friend. I'm pretty sure you remember, he was tall, black, handsome and a hardcore punk but also a racist whose best friend was a skinhead. I always thought they were a match made in hell and that proved to be true the night I wore those pink-Courtney Love-pump Mary Jane's with the black roses on them. Anyway, I realized it must be a dream and I wondered why I had come back to this place in time, these particular nights all rolled into one.

I can't really be sure and I'm not going to over-analyze but I think it has to do with taking a step back and finding the joy. I realize there are some losses we never completely overcome but I also know it to be true that we cannot become lost in those losses. We cannot allow ourselves to drown in the what-if's, maybe's and if-only's or we ourselves become lost to the past and have no meaningful future. I know people who seem to wallow in the loss of youth or beauty or money or potential or love or past successes they feel like they have never measured up to again. I don't want to be one of those many who feel like their best days are behind them but I feel like I have been on the verge of doing just that.

The truth of the matter is that 2009 was a really tough year. There were a few high points and some new connections I will carry with me for years to come but overall the recognition of the finality in a couple of situations was almost more than I could bear. I had high hopes that 2009 would bring growth, rebirth and breathe new life into an old one. Growth, I got but it felt like I was drowning in a sea of misery, loneliness and self destruction. Goodbye and good riddance to 2009.

As for 2010, I am hopeful but cautious about what may come. I have suffered two major losses in my life and this year I fear a third. I cannot dwell on it but must accept the good times and respect the wishes of someone on a mission who is fulfilling a dream of their own. This year I will be attempting to look inward without being lost inside my head. I will attempt to make simplicity king and focus more on what I have and how to make the best of it rather than on what is lacking or missing in my life. I will attempt to focus more on my accomplishments than my failures and use those accomplishments for new inspiration. I will attempt to be the person I need to be for myself regardless of who might (or might not) be sharing part of the path with me. I will attempt to laugh more, live better and be stronger.

A pie in the sky year to all & POLO!!!

We were getting married in someone's backyard. It was hot as hell but I was wearing wedding black and rather than a veil my hair was an elaborate design of black braids and my face was decorated like a sugar skull. The scene in the backyard was straight out of Edward Scissorhands, complete with white picket fencing, lots of pastel table cloths, party mint colored clothes on all the guests and tons of people I had never seen before. I did not talk directly to you in the dream, all of our conversations were more like flashbacks to earlier that day or that week. We were not getting married for the reasons we have previously spent time together. We had decided to be together for more practical reasons like the idea that no one else really gets what goes on in our heads, the fact we are friends and have stood by each other, financial stability and a deep but odd sense of companionship. I was happy but in a cautious way. It seems like I was so busy trying to make sure everything was going to go well but every time I turned around something else was falling apart. The heat was overwhelming and things were melting. The cakes kept trying to shift and the decorations kept coming off my face. The harder I tried to put out the little fires the more no one else seemed to care. I remember thinking the fates must hate me but I couldn't talk to you about it because you were also busy tending unseen fires. I never saw the actual ceremony but rather a flash image of us standing at the alter almost like an old photograph. The moment was not smiles and giggles of nervous laughter. It was a very serious moment and felt like this event was far reaching, life changing and very VERY important to many people. The silence of held breath of everyone in attendance was deafening.

Christmas was nuts for me. DX My family is cuban/russian/jewish/catholic. So we had a HUGE mass of chaos at my house this year -- So I haven't really been around too much. But thankfully :) it's all over ~ XD and now after A good night's rest -- I should be able to get all the pictures to everyone for their deco stuff -- and be shipping things out tomorrow :D

If anyone needs anything -- or have any questions please don't hesitate to ask ok? <3

Re: only my favorite boy band possibly breaking up (or at least the very real possibility of Hankyung quitting and Zhou Mi having completely fucked up his career):

I have a lot of feelings regarding it, most of which can be summed up by Shiwon:

and
and

(We're going to call that last one a "I used to love you, SM, BUT NOW I FUCKING HATE YOU, VIVA LA REVOLUCION!!!1" face. just roll with it. D: if I could find a .gif of angry fist punch!part of Don't Don, I'd use that...)

Yeah. :| I'm waiting to see how it all pans out, but. fuck the universe. D; I wore my suju shirt today in memorandum, though, so. at least I paid my remembrances.

Comment and I'll tell you 3 things I ♥ about you.

for any and all of you. :D 'tis the season, you know. (as drunken!tablo in my icon proclaims)

which, oh right, MERRY CHRISTMAS, bitches. you all are my favorites. ♥